Puffins
Welcome to the Puffins & Colorado Rockies portion of the tour. Please, take your seats and put on your headphones.
Image: Nicholas Kampouris
“Did you know? Puffins’ beaks (or bills) change color depending on the season. In winter, they’re grey and dull. In spring, though, Puffins’ beaks (or bills) turn bright orange, coinciding with finding a mate. Call it Puffin Season.
Did you know? The Rockies play professional baseball.”
Image: Jolan Wathelet
The puffins and the Rockies can be found in cold climates
Apparently the first person to ever discover Puffins* was someone named Ronald Lockley, which sort of sounds made up. The Puffin is found in the north Atlantic ocean, near where the Titanic had its whole thing.
The first discovery of the Rockies came sometime in 2006, a full fourteen years after they had begun playing games in downtown Denver. The Rockies are found at 20th and Blake Street, near where I got in a minor car accident in 2017, though bad enough that my friend’s car was totaled. I walked home and went to bed; he had to ride in the tow truck an hour north to Fort Collins.
*My editorial style guide says to capitalize Puffin in all uses. Okay?
Puffins, and Rockies Fans, are social creatures
Puffins thrive on attention and love showing off their orange feet. They also have the ability to fly with their eyes closed, sleeping most of the time. Nah, none of that is true.
A few years ago, the Rockies, instead of spending money on bringing in better players, spent millions of dollars on a “party deck” in right field, which is now a hedonistic hellscape every home game. The Rockies, like Puffins, do not care much for winning baseball games.
Image: Sarah Kilian
Image: Michael Blum
It’s been said that Puffins are known as “clowns of the sea”
It’s also been said that the Rockies are known as “Clowns of the National League,” but I’ve always found that a little bit harsh.
“Puffins, believe it or not, are carnivores. The Rockies, believe it or not, went to the World Series in 2007. They were swept in four games.”
Image: Jonatan Pie
Why are we talking about Puffins? Why are we talking about the Rockies?
Thank you for making it all the way down here. We’re talking about Puffins for no good reason, none other than the fact that I think they’re cool and look cool and I bought two papier-mache Puffins from a store in Maine like 11 years ago and it cost me 40 bucks and I still have them.
We’re talking about the Rockies because I will forever be 10 years old at heart and there is nothing more in the world I want than for them to win the World Series. God, take me from this earth and do with me what you will, just let me live to see the Rockies clinch the final out of the last game of the season before you do. I’ll see you at the party deck when it happens.